The Catholic Weekly 3 May 2020

catholicweekly.com.au 13 3, May, 2020 Faith has been a help: Debra Vermeer’s new book reflecting on the experience of herself and husband Tony coming to terms with infertility hopes to assist other couples who face the same experience. PHOTO:ALPHONSUS FOK From sorrow, through sadness, to hope for the future INTRODUCTION I n the great opening saga of the Bible – the Gene- sis creation story – the first words God speaks to Adam and Eve, the hu- man couple He has creat- ed in His image, are both a command and a blessing: “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). Based on this divine com- mand, the Catholic Church teaches that children are “the supreme gift of mar- riage” ( Gaudiem et Spes , 161) and that “By its very nature the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to the procreation and education of the off- spring and it is in them that it finds its crowning glory” ( Catechism of the Catholic Church , 1652). But what if a couple, de- spite fervently desiring to have children is unable to do so? What does that mean for their identity as man and woman? What does it mean for their marriage? Indeed, can a marriage without chil- dren find its true meaning at all? Can a couple who cannot conceive or bear children still be fruitful and multiply? If so, how? And if we have not received this gift from God, does it mean we are not blessed, that we are somehow forsaken? This book was born from personal experience of in- fertility. My husband Tony and I have been unable to have babies. We have wres- tled with all of the questions above. We have felt the un- fulfilled longing for babies that is a constant presence in the fabric of our marriage. We have dealt with sadness, anger and guilt and a roll- er-coaster of other emo- tions. And we have won- dered where is God in all of this pain? But now, after 15 years of marriage I can truly say that we are at a place of peace with our infertility. We still get sad sometimes, but that’s OK. Those emotions are fleeting. They come and go with circumstance. What we have come to understand is that despite the cross of infertility we have been called to bear, or perhaps through it, we are infinitely blessed. God has given us a strong, deep and true love as a married cou- ple. Tony, who was a widow- er with two teenagers when I married him, is blessed by fatherhood and I’ve been blessed by being step-moth- er to two of the finest human beings you’ll ever meet. We’’re blessed with a shared faith, loving extend- ed family and friends, good jobs and the blessings go on and on. We believe that our mar- riage is fruitful inmany ways and that our love is multi- plied and shared – just not in the way we had initially hoped for. When I was going through the depths of sadness during our journey through infertil- ity I searched the shelves of bookshops and then the In- ternet for a book that might offer some spiritual nour- ishment, accompaniment or hope. While the shelves were groaning under the weight of parenting guides and books on different fertility methods and technologies, there wasn’t much around to support couples who con- tinue to live with infertility. Then, after a while, I heard God whisper that maybe this is something I could do. This book then, is the result of that whispering of God in my heart. TONY AND DEBRA’S STORY It was a weird experience watching The Passion of the Christ , having just been told by the man of my dreams that we might not be able to have babies. Mel Gibson’’s movie is a wild ride, a swirl of emotion- al scenes and juxtapositions. It perfectly reflected the tur- moil going on in my own heart and head that morn- ing. I think, looking back on it, it also gave me a frame- work within which I could begin to absorb the news. Essentially, it reminded me that suffering is univer- sal; that each of us will have our share; that Jesus is with us in our suffering, having endured the ultimate suffer- ing for our sake; that good can eventually come from it. But none of this was clear to me that day. I emerged from the mov- ie, blinking in the sunlight, and a bit stunned. It wasn’t even noon and so far, I’d walked the road to Calvary with Jesus, Mel Gibson-style, and learnt that my dreams of having babies might be over. Goodness only knows what the afternoon might bring! There were a few hours to fill in beforemy plane left for Canberra, so I grabbed a cab and headed to the city-cen- tre, thinking I’d find a qui- et place to sit down, have some lunch and gather my thoughts. But before we got to my nominated destina- tion, I reached forward and said to the cabbie, “Actual- ly, drop me off at Hyde Park please”. I got out of the cab, stand- ing on the edge of the big, leafy green park in the mid- dle of Sydney’s central busi- ness district, and walked across the road to St Mary’s Cathedral. Leaving the hot summer’s day behindme, I entered the cool, dark, cavernous cathe- dral, found a pew, and fell to my knees. I stayed there for a very long time. It was no use try- ing to convince myself that Tony’s revelation meant nothing. This was serious news and deserved serious consideration and prayer. I asked God to show me the way through it. After a while I rose from my knees and just sat in the Cathedral for ages. For Catholics, churches are not just empty buildings, but because they house the Blessed Sacrament, that is the Eucharistic host, the real presence of Jesus, in the Tabernacle, Jesus is present there with us in a special way. You can feel this warm presence around you as soon as you walk in. And so, I sat with Jesus. And almost imperceptibly, my thoughts began to clear. When I left St Mary’s Cathedral that day to catch my plane home to Canberra, I knew one thing for certain. God had led me to the man I lovedwith allmy heart and wanted to marry. God would bless us and help us through whatever lay ahead. As I walked back out into the blazing sunshine I knew there was no question of walking away from Tony. In fact, there never really had been. Love is too precious to let go of. I flew home full of hope. While the shelves were groaning under the weight of parenting guides and books on different fertility methods ... there wasn’t much around to support couples who con- tinue to live with infertility. Then, after a while, I heard God whisper that maybe this is something I could do.” This book was born from prayer,” Debra said. “I prayed a lot about it, about whether I should do it, about the vulnerability that would be involved, telling some- one our intimate story.