The Catholic Weekly 26 April 2020

catholicweekly.com.au 21 26, April, 2020 VISTA WILL BE TAKING A SHORT BREAK ... But watch this page for more interesting news locally and from around the world Enlisting virtue to save marriages Anewbookbyawell-seasonedexpertmayhelpcouples sinking inunhappiness WOULDN’T IT be great to have just one book that ex- plained how to have a solid and happy Catholicmarriage? Well, this is that book. But it’s not quite what you expect. I am a big fan of Dr Richard Fitzgibbons. He is a solidly Catholic psychiatrist, practis- ing froma deep faith informed by the theology of St John Paul II. His commitment to marital therapy and the psychology of forgiveness (with Dr Stephen Enright) has been a voice of sanity for decades. This new book summaris- es and organises Fitzgibbons’ work into stand-alone chap- ters on 12 habits that will form and sustain a healthy mar- riage. The habits are virtues in their own right: forgiveness, generosity, respect, responsi- bility, trust, hope, gratitude, prudence, temperance, jus- tice, loyalty and humility. It seems so straightforward on paper – and yet how hard it is to practise these habits when you live with anoth- er adult and small children, complicated by money wor- ries, tiredness, illness, loneli- ness and stress. Marriage has taken a ter- rible hammering in the last 50 years, with the result that at least two generations of Catholic children have grown up in increasingly fragile and unhappy marriages. They have reached adulthood in a world scarred by pornogra- phy, instant gratification, and hook-up culture. The only response is to push back, which involves swimming against a deadly social and cultural tide. That means cultivating the vir- tues outlined by Fitzgibbons. There simply isn’t any other way. No amount of marital ther- apy and counselling will make any difference to a struggling marriage without the willing- ness to try to build good char- acter. It’s a good reminder that the real work of Catholic marriage preparation begins in families and schools. Fitzgibbons points out many times that because of the sheer scale of damage to some couples, most marital therapy is likely to lead to di- vorce. This is a sad truth - but it’s not marital counselling that breaks up a marriage. It’s because most couples wait far too long, until the marriage is a shipwreck, before getting help. It’s also because it takes two people to heal a marriage, and too often couples comes to counselling when only one of them is willing to do the work. Fitzgibbons understands this – he’s been working with troubled Catholic couples for decades. But he remains constant in his message: cultivation of these virtues will overcome the major threats that under- mine even the best marriage. Fitzgibbons is very clear that troubled relationships in the family of origin - particu- larly wounds caused by defi- cient parenting - are the pri- mary cause of conflict in most marriages. Each chapter offers check- lists for couples to assess their relationshipswith their parents as underlying causes of distress in their ownmarriages. My main concern is that this book shuts the gate after the horse has bolted. By the time a troubled Catholic cou- ple is given a book like this, they may be facing a task of marital repair that looks like climbing Mount Everest. When a poorly-formed couple are hanging on to the Church and their marriage by a thread, they may feel over- whelmed by a book like this. (For them, I’d recommend anything by Dr Greg Popcak, especially How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love .) So really this book would be most valuable in forming priests, counsellors, and peo- ple who assist with marital healing and work with dis- tressed Catholic couples. It would also help anyone writing a religious educa- tion course for Catholic high school students, and couples preparing for marriage. Working through each chapter will immediately highlight areas of weakness in any pre-marital relationship. Because each chapter is de- signed to stand on its own, the book can be somewhat repeti- tive, but it’s worth it. I would not recommend this book for couples where there has been spousal abuse, especially unilateral physical or sexual abuse. When it is ob- viously unsafe for the couple or their children to continue living together, other options should be pursued, including legal separation. Fitzgibbons’ goals are high, but not unachievable, and even just aiming for them will improve the health of any Catholic marriage. A Healthy Marriage: a hand- book for Catholic couples, by Dr Richard Fitzgibbons, Ignati- us Press, 2019. Fitzgibbons points out many times that because of the sheer scale of damage to some cou- ples, most marital therapy is likely to lead to divorce.” It’s one of the most difficult things that can be done, but saving marriages is possible. REVIEWS Philippa Martyr Book Review Sad, true expose of porn’s havoc THE THIRD of three short films on the harm of pornog- raphy from a group called Fight the New Drug is The World: how pornography can affect society . You need a strong stomach to view this. Not because there are salacious images – there aren’t any – but because sev- eral women and a guy relate their experiences as “porn stars”, small cogs in the A$150 billion pornography industry. I found it almost unbear- ably painful to watch these young people tell their stories. The theme of the final film is that pornography, prostitu- tion and sex trafficking are all linked in a symbiotic relation- ship. Behind the degradation and violence on computer screens are real people who are being exploited. Pornog- raphy actually promotes sex- ual violence. As one of the experts in the film points out, pornogra- phers are basically bragging about the sexual violence which #MeToo activists de- plore. They’re profiting from trauma, pain and humilia- tion. Like the other two films, The World is excellent stuff: great information, authorita- tive voices, positive messages. Every parent and every teach- er should watch it. If you’re interested in see- ing the full film, visit its web- site, Heart, Brain, World and follow the prompts. You’ll have to leave your name and email. Watching the films is free for individuals. For public screenings for groups, it costs A$78.50. Michael Cook is the editor of MercatorNet. This article first appeared at www.mer- catornet.com ¾ ¾ Michael Cook